Ask and you shall receive ...

It is time for me to be very honest.  Not only has this has been a year of physical challenges, but spiritual as well.  I don't know exactly when it started, but I have had a growing sense of discontentment with myself and the life I have been living.  Don't get me wrong, there are many wonderful things in my life.  I have an amazing family and many wonderful friends.  I have a good career and I live comfortably.  Until recently, I have been very healthy.  But there is more to the story.  I have always seen a divide between the man I am and the man I ought to be.  Many years ago I posed a question to a young married Sunday school class.  I asked, "how do we bridge the gap between the people we are and the people God made us to be?"  Clearly I struggled with this problem back then as well.  


At some point in the last several months I cried out to God, "Please God, change me and open a door to a life that is meaningful and pleasing to you.  Show me in some undeniable way that you are there and you are with me.  I am tired of this status quo existence and I am tired of my inability to transform into a truly godly man.  I don't know what I am doing wrong and I don't know how to change.  My repeated attempts have left me broken inside. You are my guiding light, my refuge, and my strength.  Mold me Lord into a man that honors you in all I do."


Despite my weakness, the following verse offered me hope.

Matthew 5:6

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. 

I suppose I could say, 'be careful what you ask for.'  This year as you know, I noticed something was wrong.  When I finally got around to seeing the doctor, I found out how wrong things were.  I was diagnosed with a life threatening disease called myelodysplastic syndrome.    


It felt like my world was shaken by a powerful earthquake.  Everything that was built solidly or of real value stood; everything else was laid to waste.  For the first time in my life, I felt like I could not rally, set goals, apply myself and overcome.  I was faced with something that required help from God, family, friends, doctors, nurses, and a donor.  Even then, I had to acknowledge that there was a real possibility that everyone could do the right things and yet I could still be seeing my last days.  I said to one of my friends, "Things become much clearer when you are standing one-hundred feet from the Pearly Gates."


Here are some verses that come to mind.

Matthew 22:36-40 - Love

“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” 37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

Mark 8:34-35 - Selflessness

Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. ³⁵ For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it.  

Matthew 6:19-21 - True treasure

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. ²⁰ But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. ²¹ For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Matthew 6:14-15  - Forgiveness

¹⁴ For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. ¹⁵ But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Romans 1:16-17 - Gospel of Christ

For I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God that brings salvation to everyone who believes: first to the Jew, then to the Gentile. ¹⁷ For in the gospel the righteousness of God is revealed—a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: “The righteous will live by faith.”

Starting on July 15th I started to receive bad news.  At first it seemed like it could be something manageable but day after day bad news came in and I began to wonder if the end was a forgone conclusion.  The first news was that I had an obvious issue with the production of blood.  It could be many things from a nutritional problem (unlikely) to various forms of  cancer.  We hoped and prayed it was something simple.  Next, we learned that it was most likely leukemia, myelodysplastic syndrome, or aplastic anemia.  A bone marrow biopsy showed increased levels of blast cells in my marrow and a genetic mutation.  With all that taken into account, my diagnosis was confirmed -- myelodysplastic syndrome.  


I met with my oncologist and learned how to categorize the disease and determine my prognosis.  A person with MDS can be put into one of four categories: low, intermediate one, intermediate two or high.  I consulted a chart, looked at my test results and categorized myself as either intermediate two or high.  I consulted another chart and learned that my life expectancy was anywhere from three months to just over a year.


Before continuing, I want to step back to July 17th.  On July 17th I went to the gym and worked out.  In the back of my mind I wondered how my blood tests would turn out, but I wasn't too concerned.  After my workout I went to Starbucks and got I coffee and talked to many of my friends (and snapped a picture of Maryanne Mentz and her friend).

Maryanne, her friend, and my reflection

I then went home and got ready to go to a movie with Jordan.  I showered, shaved, and got dressed.  I remember that I had a wrist band on for CIY (Christ in Youth); it was a reminder to pray for Jordan and the other kids attending a retreat.  The event had ended and I thought it was time to take the wrist band off.  I opened a drawer, saw my LiveStrong wristband and put it on.  Two minutes later the phone rang -- it was a doctor from Quest Diagnostics who read the results of my blood test.  He was very concerned, asked me a series of questions, told me to take it very easy and go to the emergency room immediately if I began to feel poorly (i.e. fever) or bleed.  My entire family was within earshot when I took the call so I had no choice but to spill the beans.  We were all completely stunned.


We kept the news to ourselves that day.  We did not want to alarm anyone until we had more information.  The next day at church I decided to confide in one person.  I spoke to my good friend Shawn Wells, explained what was happening, and asked him to pray.  As we talked, another dear friend came by and said that she had urgent news she wanted to share with me. This woman is deeply spiritual, completely authentic, and someone I truly respect.  After I was done speaking with Shawn, I immediately sought her out.  The news she gave me was so powerful and so encouraging that I hold onto it to this day.


She told me that she been at the gym the same day I was.  For some reason she felt the need to pray, closed her eyes and did so.  When she opened her eyes she saw me talking to someone and she saw an angel there with me.  She told me that she has seen angels before but most often God told her that what she saw was for her alone.  For some reason the circumstances were different this time -- God impressed upon her to share what she had seen and deliver the message that He was there protecting me.  She knew nothing about my circumstances (we didn't know much either) and yet provided me with the most timely and powerful encouragement I could possibly receive.  My eyes immediately welled up with tears, I kept my composure long enough to say, "I need to go", and I quickly found a place where I could quietly and privately handle a building storm of emotions.  My body shook and the tears began streaming down my face.  I tried as best as I could to subdue the sobs forcing their way out.  For several minutes I contemplated what I had heard the previous day and the message I had just received.  Had God heard my prayer?  Had God decided not only to show himself to me in a powerful way, give me new strength, and put a major obstacle in my path that only he and I together could negotiate?  I believed that he had.  The transformation I had begged God for months before began that day.   

Luke 11:9-10

“So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. ¹⁰ For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.